not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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