My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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