I hope mine doesn't look like that
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
