Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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