my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
