pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
