he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
