this beer tastes like vomit already
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
