He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
