Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
