Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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