i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
