she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
