I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
