I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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