Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
