you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
