it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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