I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
