just tell him i said nine months
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
we should paint friendship bongs
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