Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize