He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize