a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
