And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
