I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize