I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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