Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
