So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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