You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
