How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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