So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I got inside last night via doggy door
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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