Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize