Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
