why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
