Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize