last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
