he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
When are your genitals available?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
