But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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