You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
