My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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