please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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