please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
