If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize
