sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
