Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
