naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize