yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize