Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
