Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
