remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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