No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
