discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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