i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
