Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
