My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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