I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize