So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
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