Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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