I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
