I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
