So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
